this just has baby written all over it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize