if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
