My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
