He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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