Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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