she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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