It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
