I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
