I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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