Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
