but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
