Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
