Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize