The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize