the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
