When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
