I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
