and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my phone needs a breathalizer
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
