he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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