fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
