wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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