Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
