i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
