Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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