The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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