so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize