I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
