Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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