why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
