I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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