dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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