i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
