I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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