Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
