I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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