She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
