my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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