This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
