I got chris browned last night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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