trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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