Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't trust your balls anymore.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
