Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
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