Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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