just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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