If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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