Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize