she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Success! We fucked roommates!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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