You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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