Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
