First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
