My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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