My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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