You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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