what if every blade of grass was a penis?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
we should paint friendship bongs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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