the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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