Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize