Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
