The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
