I am in a vortex of obligation.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
