there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
