you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
