i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
