If that was your dad, he is hot
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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