I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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