I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
