You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
