I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize