her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
