I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
