Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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