This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
